This article will walk through 9 common traits of children with narcissistic parents, specifically the long-term mental health effects that children of narcissistic parents experience, and why they experience them.
1. Indecision
Adult children of narcissistic parents fear that they will hurt someone else by choosing to do what’s right for them. They have been conditioned to consider the narcissistic parent’s needs before their own for so long, and so it is extremely hard for them to consider their own needs without feeling selfish for doing so. This indecision and guilt can be paralyzing, and prevent the child from truly living their lives for themselves instead of fulfilling someone else’s vision for them, or what is deemed societally acceptable.
This type of indecision is particularly palpable for adult children of narcissistic parents. When adult children enter the “real world”, so to speak, they can have a difficult time adjusting to life’s responsibilities that require decision-making. This self-doubt might make day-to-day life and simple activities difficult for the child of the narcissist.
2. Internalized Gaslighting
Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation in which a person or a group intentionally sows seeds of doubt in a targeted individual, making them question their own memory, perception, or judgment. The term stemmed from the 1944 film, “Gaslight”, in which a husband pushed his wife to the brink of insanity by intentionally misplacing items, creating diversions and intentional noises, and dimming the gaslit lamps when his wife was home alone. Every time she would bring these happenings up to her husband, he would convince her they were in her head. As a result, she learned not to trust herself, and the very act of her questioning her own sanity was what made her go insane.
Although this is a more overt example, gaslighting is an especially dangerous, covert, and malignant way to keep a narcissist’s victim in their grasp. One example of a gaslighting parent is when they deny their child’s experience from the past, invalidating their feelings about the event. The narcissist will do this both for their own enjoyment and in response to being confronted with the ways they might have hurt someone. Rather than take accountability and apologize, they would rather lie to their child and convince them that their perception and feelings as a result of the situation were wrong. This further convinces the impressionable child that they need their narcissistic parent in order to keep them sane.
Growing up with a narcissistic parent can leave an adult child feeling that they have very little to offer, despite being told the opposite by others. Their talents and skills may have been downplayed, or ignored, or that they would not exist without the narcissistic parent. This is because narcissistic parents feel threatened by their children, and they often use those skills to live a life or achieve a goal that they wouldn’t otherwise be able to. Or, they achieved that goal earlier in their life, and they expect their child to merely be an extension of them so they can continue to achieve that goal. Even when the now-adult experiences success, they may feel that they don’t deserve it because it is either downplayed by the parent, the parent somehow makes it about them, or the parent feels threatened by their child’s success.
I’ve experienced this at the hands of my mother many times. One piece of feedback I’ve gotten from her often is “you would have never gotten your college scholarship without me”, as in, I would never have gotten my athletic and academic scholarship because she was the one that put me in lessons as a child, and she was the one that made sure I went to a good school. This completely erases the fact that I stuck with a sport for my entire life and was disciplined enough and trained hard enough to get a college scholarship, and that I worked very hard in my classes to achieve high grades.
3. Loyalty & Guilt for Moving On
Even after growing up amid lies, emotional manipulation, severe trauma, and abuse it can be really difficult for adult children to step away from caring for and loving their narcissistic parent. They will likely feel guilty for trying to step away or set boundaries, and may even enter into relationships with partners who show narcissistic traits. A love that is based on manipulation and conditions is something that is known to them, whereas a love that is unconditional might seem quite terrifying or impossible. Additionally, there is the added societal pressure that children must care for their parents because “they are family”. This combination of outside pressures once again invalidates the victim of the narcissists and quiets the inner voice that might be telling them to leave the harmful situation for their own happiness.
If and when a child of a narcissistic decides to go little to no contact or to speak the truth of their experience of being raised by a narcissist, they might be accused of smearing the narcissist and could receive threats to their lives, relationships, or job security at the hands of the narcissist. At a certain point, the narcissist might also discard their children for setting boundaries or speaking up, as the narcissistic parent can no longer benefit from the supply that is their child. Rather than attempting to mend the relationship and seeing just how much of a loss not having a relationship with their child is, their egos are so fragile and their insecurities so high that they would rather lose out on that opportunity than change their behaviors or admit fault or weakness.
Side note – the reason I’ve chosen to keep this blog anonymous is that my mother threatened legal action against me, threatened my job security, and threatened to sue me for libel and slander for standing up to her. Most outsiders can see just how harmful and very sad it is that a parent could do that to their own child, but the narcissist will often create and live in their own delusions to protect their ego. The grief that a child can feel upon this realization is immense and impactful.
4. No Focus on Their Own Needs
As the parent lives vicariously through their child, the child’s goals are ignored. The child learns that their goals and needs are not important or will always come second to the parent. Or, they might find as an adult that they don’t really know what their true goals or needs are, because they might have convinced themselves that their parent’s goals were actually their own. This can lead to confusion and self-doubt when the child is an independent adult and has the freedom to structure their lives as they please (if they are able to get away from the narcissist).
For many children, this is an exciting time but for children of narcissists, it can be a whirlwind of anxiety and overwhelm as they might feel misaligned in their career and relationship choices. Not to mention, as the adult child ventures off on their own, the narcissistic parent might view this as a betrayal in of itself, and so the child might also have to navigate the ongoing pressure they feel to keep their parent happy.
The child of the narcissistic parent’s focus is and always has been pleasing their parent to stay in their good graces. This may lead to anxiety as the child strives to be perfect – living up to the narcissist’s unrealistic desires. Depression may occur as a result of the child not meeting the parent’s expectations. Then, the adult child of the narcissist might feel grief, loss, or hopelessness because they might not know the point of their own existence without the narcissist. As you can see, it is a vicious cycle.
5. Chronic Self-Blame
Whether or not the parent is openly abusive to the child, they are usually emotionally unavailable or neglectful and are too preoccupied with themselves and their own concerns to hear the pain of their child. In order to try to maintain the family unit, the child shies away from blaming their parent and instead takes all the blame on themselves, because the narcissist has instilled a sense of duty or pride to do so. Often, the child that takes on the duty of peacemaker within the family unit is the narcissistic parent’s “golden child of the moment”. Narcissistic parents have a unique ability to tear down their children but also put them on a pedestal when it is required. These brief moments of being the chosen favorite help keep the abusive cycle going and help solidify the narcissist’s role as the blameless king or queen of the household.
Additionally, the parent might blatantly remind the child that their needs are unimportant, “too much”, or that they are being “too dramatic” or “too sensitive” for expressing these feelings. Experience this type of rejection enough times and it is certainly enough for a child to see that their existence is better seen and not heard, and this becomes their continued state of survival.
This effect can continue into adulthood, where the adult child continues to take the blame for things that aren’t always their fault in familial, romantic, and professional relationships. They become the scapegoat in many situations in order to keep the peace, rather than realizing that many adults do have self-awareness and know when they might be at fault. Oftentimes, the child of the narcissist will be the first one to take the fall for a mistake, without giving the other party the opportunity to pull their weight or take responsibility as well, because they are trying to avoid the inevitable discomfort that comes with conflict. The child of the narcissist will do anything to avoid displeasing others, including apologizing for things they didn’t do. This is a survival mechanism we learn over time, and this can sometimes get us in trouble in other areas of life as people take advantage of people-pleasers.
6. Echoism
Echoists and narcissists complement each other, as echoists fear becoming narcissists, or fear taking any attention away from them. Echoists are those that have a hard time expressing themselves because they’ve been taught not to take up too much space. They worry about coming off as needy, and in an effort not to burden those around them, they often take supportive roles in life.
Essentially, narcissistic parents can explode into anger or burst into tears without much warning, which forces their children to take up as little space as possible in order to avoid triggering one of these emotional outbursts (also fearing taking any attention away from the narcissist in the process). It can feel like walking on eggshells; trying to do everything possible to avoid their parent having a meltdown.
7. Insecure Attachment
Adult children of narcissists are likely to become insecurely attached to their parent, having never experienced a safe foundation that every developing child needs in order to feel comfortable exploring new environments and learning about the world around them with confidence.
Moreover, the neglect, manipulation, or emotional absence of a parent can leave their child questioning how safe they will be able to feel in the hands of other people. This leads some adults to become fiercely independent, developing trust issues since they had no one else to rely on but themself. They find that rather than express their needs to others or ask for help, they can just handle it alone, which can in turn create self-induced pressure and perfectionism, and a harsh internal critique of themselves when they fall short. Children of narcissists have never known how to properly lean on others for support without an ulterior motive, and so they often choose to self-isolate for comfort and safety. Funnily enough, despite being their own caretakers, they still have trouble trusting their own instincts.
On the flip side, other insecurely attached children of narcissists will cling to their partners for love and demand the attention of their significant other at all times. If their partner is unable to provide this attention, they can spiral out, going to behavioral extremes to get their partner’s attention and feel reassured that they are not going to be punished. They often fear that one conflict will lead to the breakup of a relationship. Everything can feel very high stakes, as the child is used to this type of all-or-nothing dynamic with their parent.
8. Constant Focus on Others’ Happiness
Children who grow up with a narcissistic parent will have organized their whole life and personality around the happiness of their parent, and will then grow up organizing their life around the happiness of others – many of them working in the helping profession. They have learned that their value comes from providing for others, not for themselves. This is why children of narcissistic parents will often feel guilt for establishing a boundary, saying no, or putting their happiness first.
9. Always on Edge – Walking on Eggshells
The narcissistic parent’s behavior is unpredictable. The child of the narcissist is often unsure what will please the parent, thus causing feelings of being on edge. One wrong breath, word, or move, and the narcissistic parent could snap. The child will feel responsible for the parent’s happiness. They will also learn that their parent’s kindness comes with conditions leaving the child feeling beholden to the parent. Again, this type of dynamic teaches children that love comes at a cost.
This causes a child’s nervous system to be on high alert at all times. Many children of narcissistic parents are living in a constant state of fight-or-flight (or fawn). This survival state can have severe long-term effects on the body, causing physical health symptoms as well as mental. Overall, children of narcissists will have to do ongoing work to ensure they are unlearning old systems and habits created by the narcissist, not just for their mental well-being but for their long-term health as well.