Do you think you might be a child of a parent with a narcissistic personality disorder? If so, you are in the right place. This blog will answer a variety of questions related to narcissistic personality disorder, and what NPD looks like in parents and authority figures.
Chances are, if you are researching this topic then your parent has likely displayed traits of narcissistic personality disorder, which can leave their victims confused, angry, hurt, and disoriented, among other emotions.
This blog will help you answer the question, am I a child of a narcissistic parent?
What is Narcissism?
According to the Oxford Dictionary definition, narcissism is “excessive interest or admiration of oneself and one’s physical appearance.” From a psychological perspective, it is defined as “selfishness, involving a sense of entitlement, a lack of empathy, and a need for admiration.”
Ultimately, this can cause a narcissistic person’s victims to be used to serve the needs of the narcissistic person, while that person’s own needs are totally ignored or diminished in the process.
Narcissism vs. Narcissistic Personality Disorder
You can probably think of a few people in your life who have narcissistic traits. In fact, all humans have some element of narcissism on a sliding scale. However, there is a major difference between narcissism and narcissistic personality disorder.
To put it simply, narcissism is a personality trait that some people can exhibit, whereas narcissistic personality disorder is a diagnosable mental health condition with persistent symptoms that significantly affect the lives of the person who is diagnosed, as well as that person’s victims.
A person with NPD can affect many people in their lives, including their spouses, partners, children, and colleagues.
The negative effects that someone with NPD can have on the people they interact with are long-lasting, far-reaching, and often detrimental to a victim’s mental, emotional, spiritual, and financial health.
What is a narcissistic parent?
A narcissistic parent can be a unique kind of evil as they view their children as mere extensions of themselves, not as individuals with autonomy, unique traits and characteristics, and/or passions and hobbies that differ from the narcissist.
As a result, the narcissistic parent will raise their child to follow a special set of rules that are deemed standard in their head, often without fully articulating what those expectations are. When the child cannot or does not reach those expectations, the narcissistic parent will punish the child for embarrassing, disappointing, or dishonoring them.
Narcissistic Parents and Public Image
Narcissistic parents care much more about the exterior image of being the perfect parent than actually doing any real work to be a perfect parent. They spend so much time trying to keep up a facade for others that they often neglect their children’s emotional and physical needs altogether behind closed doors.
They are often described by strangers as wonderful, doting parents, but their children might describe them as totally different people.
The Peculiar Rationale of Narcissistic Parents
Parents with narcissistic personality disorder might view a child going off on their own, leaving the family home, moving away for college, or even forming differing opinions and relationships outside of what the narcissist deems respectable, as the ultimate act of betrayal and rejection.
Rather than be proud of their children for getting outside of their comfort zone, and opening their minds and hearts to new ideas and ways of life, narcissists view a child’s autonomy as inconvenient, hurtful, and only being done to spite them.
There is no rational understanding that the child might be making their own informed decisions based on their intuition or what is best for them.
As a result, children of narcissists are often shocked and confused when their narcissistic parent doesn’t share in the excitement of a big accomplishment with them. Rather than celebrating, narcissistic parents can often view the success of their children as a direct attack on them.
They view it as “because they are happy and accomplished, I, therefore, am not happy and not accomplished”, rather than realizing that many people can all share in their achievements at one time.
Narcissistic Parents and Triangulation
Narcissistic parents often view the world and their children in very black-and-white terms. They are either on the narcissist’s good side or they are their direct enemy. That is often why you will see narcissistic parents with multiple children triangulate – or turn their own children against one another.
The parent will talk poorly of one sibling to the other sibling, making one feel like the scapegoat and the other one feel like the golden child. This doesn’t remain the same forever though, and the narcissistic parent will choose which child gets the praise or wrath based on the narcissist’s very arbitrary and ever-changing standards of excellence.
A child of a narcissistic parent might finally be excited and confident to share with their parent that they reached their standards, only for the parent to pull out the proverbial rug from underneath them by withholding praise or acknowledgment of their children’s accomplishment.
Narcissistic Parents and the Cycle of Abuse
The saddest part about narcissistic parents is they create a horribly toxic cycle of narcissistic abuse, where they act as both the punisher and the comforter. They are often the ones who set their children up for failure on purpose or sabotage their children’s success.
They might be the source of their child’s depression or anxiety, but they will then flip the switch and make their children believe they are the only ones who can be there to fix the problem.
Narcissistic parents adore being the hero, as it puts them in a position of superiority to their children. It helps them keep up their facade of a doting parent or wonderful mother to both their children and the outside world.
Unfortunately, the end result is that the children of narcissistic parents will often try to look for partners that are the same or similar to their parents in an effort to fix that relationship. They are drawn to partners with similar qualities, and their perception of love is defined by the narcissist.
This is an issue because a narcissistic parent’s ability to love is so small or non-existent, that until the child can see that for themselves, they will accept a love that is conditional, performative, shallow, and sometimes even cruel.
They might also believe that they deserve poor treatment and might convince themselves that they could never find someone who would treat them any better because they have been conditioned to think they are a burden.
Related: Top 10 Books Narcissistic Abuse Survivors Must Read
Signs of a Narcissistic Parent
The examples of narcissistic parents above might ring some alarm bells for you. Here are some more possible signs that your parent might be a narcissist.
Self-Centered
They always need the conversation to be about them and will find ways to talk about themselves constantly.
Boastful
They boast about their children’s achievements to others, but they rarely praise or acknowledge those achievements directly to their children.
Lack of Accountability
They cannot take accountability for the way they might have made their children feel. They have no empathy when their children tell them they hurt them and turn the blame back on them.
Guilt-Tripping
They make their children feel bad or guilty for setting appropriate boundaries or voicing their opinions. If they stand up for themselves, they make their children feel guilty by reminding them how much they have sacrificed for them.
Obsessed With Public Image
They care about their “reputation” in the eyes of strangers more than they care about how they make their loved ones feel.
Two-Faced
Harshly opinionated at home but put up a diplomatic, polite facade for other people.
Sell-Outs
They are willing to do or say almost anything to or about anyone if it means coming out on top, including their children.
Passive Aggressive
When their children ask for reassurance, they often give them back-handed compliments or make passive-aggressive remarks to leave them feeling more insecure.
Unable to Show Support
Parents with narcissistic personality disorder don’t show up to big life events or always show up late because they have little to no respect for other people’s time and efforts.
They Live Vicariously Through Their Children
They force their children to start or continue hobbies, sports, or other activities that they have expressed disinterest or sadness in.
Inability to Be Emotionally Vulnerable
They do almost everything except for providing nurturing, healthy, emotions to their children because they cannot seem to show empathy. When their children call them out for might say “You are being too sensitive”, or “You ask for too much”.
Often they will shame their children for having human emotions, perhaps even calling them “weak”.
They Use and Abuse
They will use their children to attain personal gain or glory but will turn on them the moment they get what they need out of them.
There is Always an Excuse
Narcissistic parents often make poor excuses to limit quality time spent with their children.
Mood Swings
They often display sudden mood changes and volatile anger, leaving their children walking on eggshells.
Expert Liars and Manipulators
They lie and twist ideas to manipulate others and make themselves appear faultless.
Mental Health Effects of Narcissistic Parenting
The long-term symptoms of being the child of a narcissistic parent are intense and often hard to detect for the majority of the child’s life. As a child of a narcissistic parent, I often felt like there was always something off. No matter how happy I was in one moment, my moods could shift so suddenly and I never felt like I deserved to feel that joy.
I suffered from imposter syndrome which worsened as I became a young adult, despite having objective evidence in the form of grades, jobs, and activities to back up the fact that I really did accomplish those things and was a smart and talented individual.
Children of narcissistic parents are often their own harshest critics. They can be highly critical of themselves while being praised and loved by people they interact with. They can reject the idea that they could be anything more than a burden, insignificant, or exhausting to the people they interact with, thinking those people are either lying to them or that they were one mistake away from “finding out their secret”.
The narcissistic parent’s voice can become the ruling narrative of the child’s life, so much so that the 1 voice could drown out 100 positive affirmations, pieces of feedback, or genuine compliments that others could provide.
Symptoms of Children of Narcissistic Abuse
Children of narcissistic parents often suffer from codependent, abusive relationships. They are people pleasers to a fault and will burn themselves out putting the needs of others before their own if it means avoiding conflict and keeping the peace.
Children who experience narcissistic abuse might constantly seek external validation that they are making the right choices, and view their accomplishments as the ultimate currency while being unable to celebrate when they achieve them.
They are often high achievers, constantly searching for their next opportunity or next resume builder. They do not know how to be present and stop to celebrate their wins, and they might find themselves on a constant quest to fill a void, often tying their self-worth or value as a human to their productivity levels and performance-related metrics.
Conclusion
As you’ve read, children of narcissistic parents face unique challenges in relationships with others and with themselves as a result of their upbringing. It’s important for children of narcissistic parents to recognize these patterns and seek support to develop healthy coping strategies and establish boundaries.
If you experience these challenges, know you are not alone. Sharing your story could help you heal, so please feel free to submit your story at Breaking The Cycle of Abuse.
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